Changing Commonly Used Language

The Buddha once said "What we think, we become."
A natural consequence of this is "What we say, we become."

I think most people realize that there is some truth in this statement. For example, many parents encourage their children not to limit themselves by saying "I can't." I also think of the story of The Little Engine That Could.

Neuroscience
From neuroscience research we read that every time a particular neural circuit (emotion, thought or action) happens in the brain, the more likely it is to occur again, for example, I can't vs I can. There is a connected term called neural cowpaths. Think of cow paths in the pasture which, once made, are where the cows walk. I recall Henry David Thoreau lamenting how quickly his feet made a path from his cabin to the pond. One writer encourages us not to pave our neural cow paths! This point is also implicit in the Buddha's articulation of the Five Aggregates.

Below are several examples of changes in thoughts or speech that we might consider reflecting on. Virtually all of these words and phrases have come to me through discussions with other people or I have read somewhere.

Should
Many years ago I began to eliminate the word should from my thinking and speaking vocabulary. If you pay close attention to your body, you can often feel a tightening when you say for example, "I should go to the gym today" or "I shouldn't be so judgmental." It's not that these are not wholesome thoughts; it's that should introduces a sense of forcing and striving. I've noticed a difference when I ask myself "do I want to go the gym today?" If I feel that my body would benefit from the exercise even though I don't want to go, I might stop and reflect on the benefits of going or consider what I need to change (in my mind or my schedule) so that I might go to the gym.

Expectations are related to shoulds because we often expect something to happen that we feel should happen or expect something not to happen that we feel shouldn't happen. While we are aware of some expectations, e.g., I expect that I will get a raise at work, there are many more expectations that we aren't generally conscious of, e.g., I expect that dinner will be ready when I get home, I expect my child to behave when company comes, etc. etc. Many family arguments happen when an unstated expectation is not met.

Words that have a transactional or a military tone
I no longer pay attention. I give or devote attention.
I no longer talk about how I spent the day, but rather how I honored the day or what choices I made that day.
I no longer take a walk. I go for a walk.
I no longer pay it forward. I plant it forward.
I no longer work on my relationship with my wife. I explore and reflect on and devote more attention to my relationship with my wife.
I no longer talk about fighting for change. I talk about committing myself toward various causes. I recall so many people saying they were fighting for peace back in the 60s!

A simple change of preposition
Over 40 years ago I was on a month-long retreat at a Catholic monastery. During my stay I made good friends with a priest. He could see that I was so dedicated to my teaching that I was a good candidate for burning out. He himself had burned out at one point and was now doing well. He offered me a prepositional change when thinking about my work with my students: I am responsible to them, not responsible for them. That simple change made a big difference. I continued to work very hard in my teaching, but being responsible to my students was a totally different ball game than being responsible for them.

From either-or to both-and
Another important change is not to get stuck in an either-or mentality. For example, many parts of my life including my meditation practice are hard and easy, complex and simple, heavy and light. Many of us tend to focus on hardness, complexity, and heaviness at the expense of also recognizing the ease, simplicity, and lightness.

I have realized that I can have several emotions flowing through me at once. In fact, I believe this to be true most of the time. Right now I am tired and I am hopeful and I feel a certain sense of lightness in my being.

There is a powerful story about an artist who had lost a leg at some point. He constructed a perfectly spherical sculpture out of stone, then shattered it with a sledgehammer, then put it back together. He titled the exhibit: Shattered But Still Whole.

Qualifying our statements
Another significant change in language is to qualify some of our statements. I find a huge difference between saying this is who I am vs. this is who I am now. Similarly, saying “I have a low tolerance for frustration” limits you. This pronouncement feels different than "At this point in my life, I have a low tolerance for frustration."

So these are some simple but not necessarily easy changes in our language that can have a big impact on how we are in the world. I suggest giving any of these that spark you a trial run and see if you find it makes a difference.

Two addenda from a new friend:

When comforting a person who is suffering from a serious medical or personal situation, moving from saying “I am here for you” to saying “I am here with you.”

Moving from saying “with gratitude” to “in gratitude.”

Becoming aware of consequences of shoulding

One of the Buddha's more famous sayings is "You are what you think." Another translation is "What you think you become.” Thus, we might want to pay more attention to the words we use. Today I want to focus on should.

I hear many people using should and shouldn't quite often: "I shouldn't have done that," "I should exercise more," "I should be nicer to myself," etc. We often use the word should when we are beating ourselves up because of our imperfections. But have you ever seen a perfect tree? Every tree has many so-called imperfections. However, the imperfections of trees and most natural objects contributes to their beauty. Imagine a forest where all the trees looked almost identical. The impulse in the natural world is not perfection but rather health and adaptation.  

An important part of changing our language comes through reflection and meditation. One of my meditation teachers named this when she said "I used to think I needed to clean up my act. Now I realize I need to get to know my act." In other words, we need to understand our act, to pay attention to our act.

We know that physical pain is a signal to pay attention whether it's a headache, a stomachache, a sprained muscle, a toothache, etc. Your body is saying that something is happening that you need to pay attention to. I have known many cases where a person ignored pain signals and it then became something serious. So too emotional pain, for example, remorse, regret, shame, anger, etc. You mind is telling you that you need to pay attention to what you did or how you responded in that situation.

Below are four practices that people have found useful with shoulding.

A simple practice that uses gentle persistence vs. force.
When you realize that you are beating yourself up and using language like 'should,' first pause, and try these steps:

• Letting the breath and sensations come to you vs. trying to feel them: bringing a gentle attention to what is happening;
• Checking in with body: softening and relaxing on each exhale.
• Holding with kindness and compassion whatever has arisen;
• Befriending those parts of yourself that are beating you up; Rumi's poem The Guest House is a wonderful reminder: "the dark thought, the shame, the malice...treat each guest honorably."

Paying attention to the consequences of your behavior
Another practice this which was very helpful when I was struggling with my explosive anger came from a teacher who suggested that instead of beating myself up, I might look right at the person I had gotten angry at and see the hurt in their face. That was really 'getting to know my act,' understanding more deeply the consequences of my act!

This can work both ways, for example, feeling your body after you have binged on too many snacks, paying attention to the physical discomfort. On the opposite end, feeling your body after you have been exercising regularly: how does your body feel at this time?

Asking questions to your deeper self
Another teacher added this step in getting to know your act: ask a seeding question, for example, "are shoulds working for me?" We find that should and shouldn't can be useful short-term, for example, "I shouldn't punch that person in the face."  However, I’ve found over time that nothing good long-term comes from shoulds. It's like the Whack-a-mole game: those impulses that we try to suppress keep coming back. 

Self-compassion
I devoted a whole blog post to self-compassion on February 4, 2020. One relevant self-compassion practice is to pause and breathe and then ask yourself: Can I learn to be the kind of friend to myself that I am to my friends? Can I extend kindness, care, warmth, and understanding (vs. self-criticism) toward myself when faced with my shortcomings, inadequacies, or failures?

These are not simple fixes, but part of a long-term process. Most of my negative behaviors are ones learned in childhood, for example, getting angry when things don't go my way, saying "I'm not good enough" when I don't excel, avoiding conflict at all cost, etc. These behaviors don't change overnight, but through gentle and persistent attention.

One person who was finding this new meditation process very helpful was very busy and often struggled about whether to come to the Monday night meditation or stay home and do other things. I suggested this process of not forcing and less shoulding. Over time she became a regular participant. Reflecting on the process, she said, "when I gave myself permission not to come every Monday, I found it shifted from 'I should come' to 'I want to come.'"

So try any or all of the practices mentioned above. What do you notice? If you find other practices useful, please respond in the Comments section below.