The Buddha once said "What we think, we become."
A natural consequence of this is "What we say, we become."
I think most people realize that there is some truth in this statement. For example, many parents encourage their children not to limit themselves by saying "I can't." I also think of the story of The Little Engine That Could.
Neuroscience
From neuroscience research we read that every time a particular neural circuit (emotion, thought or action) happens in the brain, the more likely it is to occur again, for example, I can't vs I can. There is a connected term called neural cowpaths. Think of cow paths in the pasture which, once made, are where the cows walk. I recall Henry David Thoreau lamenting how quickly his feet made a path from his cabin to the pond. One writer encourages us not to pave our neural cow paths! This point is also implicit in the Buddha's articulation of the Five Aggregates.
Below are several examples of changes in thoughts or speech that we might consider reflecting on. Virtually all of these words and phrases have come to me through discussions with other people or I have read somewhere.
Should
Many years ago I began to eliminate the word should from my thinking and speaking vocabulary. If you pay close attention to your body, you can often feel a tightening when you say for example, "I should go to the gym today" or "I shouldn't be so judgmental." It's not that these are not wholesome thoughts; it's that should introduces a sense of forcing and striving. I've noticed a difference when I ask myself "do I want to go the gym today?" If I feel that my body would benefit from the exercise even though I don't want to go, I might stop and reflect on the benefits of going or consider what I need to change (in my mind or my schedule) so that I might go to the gym.
Expectations are related to shoulds because we often expect something to happen that we feel should happen or expect something not to happen that we feel shouldn't happen. While we are aware of some expectations, e.g., I expect that I will get a raise at work, there are many more expectations that we aren't generally conscious of, e.g., I expect that dinner will be ready when I get home, I expect my child to behave when company comes, etc. etc. Many family arguments happen when an unstated expectation is not met.
Words that have a transactional or a military tone
I no longer pay attention. I give or devote attention.
I no longer talk about how I spent the day, but rather how I honored the day or what choices I made that day.
I no longer take a walk. I go for a walk.
I no longer pay it forward. I plant it forward.
I no longer work on my relationship with my wife. I explore and reflect on and devote more attention to my relationship with my wife.
I no longer talk about fighting for change. I talk about committing myself toward various causes. I recall so many people saying they were fighting for peace back in the 60s!
A simple change of preposition
Over 40 years ago I was on a month-long retreat at a Catholic monastery. During my stay I made good friends with a priest. He could see that I was so dedicated to my teaching that I was a good candidate for burning out. He himself had burned out at one point and was now doing well. He offered me a prepositional change when thinking about my work with my students: I am responsible to them, not responsible for them. That simple change made a big difference. I continued to work very hard in my teaching, but being responsible to my students was a totally different ball game than being responsible for them.
From either-or to both-and
Another important change is not to get stuck in an either-or mentality. For example, many parts of my life including my meditation practice are hard and easy, complex and simple, heavy and light. Many of us tend to focus on hardness, complexity, and heaviness at the expense of also recognizing the ease, simplicity, and lightness.
I have realized that I can have several emotions flowing through me at once. In fact, I believe this to be true most of the time. Right now I am tired and I am hopeful and I feel a certain sense of lightness in my being.
There is a powerful story about an artist who had lost a leg at some point. He constructed a perfectly spherical sculpture out of stone, then shattered it with a sledgehammer, then put it back together. He titled the exhibit: Shattered But Still Whole.
Qualifying our statements
Another significant change in language is to qualify some of our statements. I find a huge difference between saying this is who I am vs. this is who I am now. Similarly, saying “I have a low tolerance for frustration” limits you. This pronouncement feels different than "At this point in my life, I have a low tolerance for frustration."
So these are some simple but not necessarily easy changes in our language that can have a big impact on how we are in the world. I suggest giving any of these that spark you a trial run and see if you find it makes a difference.
Two addenda from a new friend:
When comforting a person who is suffering from a serious medical or personal situation, moving from saying “I am here for you” to saying “I am here with you.”
Moving from saying “with gratitude” to “in gratitude.”