Last week Yvette and I went to Wells, Maine and rented a small place for 3 nights right on the beach. It was a wonderful place to rest after almost three months of hecticness with our daughter's wedding in Greenfield Mass. on September 25, my father's memorial in Salt Lake City in mid-October which was also a Bassarear family reunion with 18 relatives, our daughter's baby shower in our back yard on October 23, and then a routine but overdue colonoscopy on October 27.
Although Yvette did far more of the work for the wedding and baby shower, I was pretty much at my max. When it came time for the last dance at the wedding ("We are Family" by Sister Sledge) and most of the people were hopping around, my feet just wouldn't move and so I smiled and swayed my body. At the end of the baby shower, several of us were talking and I suddenly said "I have to lay down." My body was shaking by the time I got to the recliner.
Energy
I got out of the hospital on November 12, 2020 after 9 days in ICU. A couple days later I wanted to walk along the path on the Ashuelot River which is a quarter mile from my house. I made it to the river but then had to turn around and come back. That was all I had. A week later I was up to a mile. A month later I was able walk a whole section, almost 2 1/2 miles. And I was walking much more slowly than before.
I stayed at that pace until my first operation on January 14, and then I had to start over. By mid-March I was able to talk longer walks, and by late March I was on my bike for short rides and slow pace.
After my second operation on June 30, I had to begin again. It took 3 weeks to get back to 2 mile walks and a month to get back on my bike, slowly. Just over 2 months later I had a 12 mile ride at a slower pace, and then went to bed exhausted but happy
Just paying attention to my physical energy was a full time job as well as monitoring my blood pressure, remembering to take my pills, to drink plenty of fluids every day, monitoring my sodium intake which was now about 50% of what it had been, taking daily naps, monitoring my shoulder and hip exercises so I could sleep, and much more. I still have the full page charts that I made so I could keep on top of all this.
I write this because it's helpful to understand how much energy and attention it took just to attend to all the details of my physical recovery, and then the emotional roller coaster of starting almost all over after each operation.
Different kinds of energy
In April I wrote about realizing that I had only so much energy each day and that I had to pay attention to this. Otherwise, if I ran out of energy, I was out of gas, literally. I also came to realize that I had to pay attention not only to my physical energy, but also my social energy and my spiritual energy.
In April, on a warmish day, we had our first visitors since my dissection-- a couple we have known for about 30 years. We sat in the back yard. After an hour and a half, I said that I had to go back in the house to lay down. I was out of gas. I was surprised, because the conversation was pleasant and it was nice to sit outside. But I realized in that moment how much energy simply talking with people takes.
During my stay in the hospital, I had to reconstruct my meditation practice, because it just took too much energy to sit up and meditate for 30 minutes. So I would simply lay in bed and pay attention to whatever was most present in my awareness--the noises in my room, the discomfort in my body, how my breath was so different.
I remember several months into my recovery being so grateful for all the help friends were offering. One day I decided to write down all of this so I could respond with thanks. I immediately got overwhelmed and realized I had to break it down: meals, food shopping, cards, gifts, and emails. This amidst the attention I needed on my recovery and other practical matters like bills. Some days I just shrugged my shoulders and went to bed to read or to nap. By the time I made all the lists, I realized I could not remember all the generosity I had received.
Soon after our daughter's wedding, both she and my wife had posted pictures on Facebook. Knowing that I have friends who are not friends with them on Facebook, I wanted to post some pictures on my Facebook page. But then the deluge of my dad's memorial, the family reunion, and the baby shower used up all my energy on a daily basis. I even started to get a bit sloppy about water and sodium intake and exercise. Of course, feeling guilty used up even more spoons!
The Spoon Theory
When I told people about this, one person told me about The Spoon Theory which has helped friends to understand more deeply what it is like to have so little energy. Every activity you do uses up one "spoon" of energy: taking a shower, making breakfast, driving to work, the many spoons used during the work day, paying bills, making dinner, washing dishes, etc. Most people find they have enough spoons to do all they feel they need to do during the day, though many people report being wiped out at the end of the day. People with chronic fatigue have only a fraction of the spoons that normal people have and, when they've used their last spoon, they are out of gas--like I was on the dance floor at the wedding, or sitting outside with my friends.
It was helpful to get this much out today. In the next blog I want to lay out in more detail how much it has helped to pay attention to the physical, social, and spiritual dimensions of energy. My blog on December 31, 2019 lays out the idea of three intelligences: head, heart, and body. That has been helpful, but I think it will be helpful not just for me but for others to unpack this idea which has strong implications for mindfulness practice during the day.