The goal of practicing meditation and mindfulness is much more than just calming ourselves when we are stressed, though that is very helpful in itself. The larger goal is to understand (more than just conceptually) why we behave the way we behave. This understanding can free us from habits developed over our lifetime which might have served us when we were young but no longer serve us. For many of us this involves meditation, therapy, and various other practices and tools to keep our bodies, thoughts, and hearts healthy.
I want to focus here on two types of meditation in the mindfulness tradition: calming/concentration and insight/wisdom. The two of them are interconnected and often weave together in a meditation session.
When choosing to meditate, if our primary intention is calming/concentration, one selects a calming practice (breath, body, loving-kindness, prayer, visualizing a “happy place”, etc.) and when thoughts or emotions pull our attention away, we acknowledge them, smile, and return to our chosen practice.
If our primary intention is insight/wisdom, when our mind is sufficiently calm and concentrated, we can make a different choice when we realize that a thought stream or emotion is pulling us away consistently. We make that thought stream or emotion the object of our attention. There are many ways in which we can be in relationship with the thoughts/emotions. (See Being with unwanted thoughts and emotions.)
Whether or not our intention is calming or insight, we do not suppress or fight the thoughts/emotions, because then we are fighting part of ourselves. Dick Schwartz talked about this with respect to being kind to all of our parts ( See Complementary Practices and Welcoming Unwanted Parts ), and Rumi talked about welcoming all the unwanted visitors The Guest House ("a meanness, a dark thought" etc.). That is why in calming meditation, I have emphasized Acknowledging and smiling at the thought/emotion. Acknowledging is also the A in RAIN (See The RAIN practice).
Ideally we begin each day with the intention to be present (to ourselves and others), to be more responsive than reactive, to be kind, generous, thoughtful, and so on. We also know that almost every day something unpleasant or stressful happens. We have heard stories about when people remembered and chose to bring mindfulness to a situation that was stressful. This is what the practice is about: remembering and then having the capacity to make healthy decisions. Many teachers have mentioned that if we do this only some of the time, that is wonderful. "Progress not perfection" is a great phrase to remember.
So we begin the day with some kind of activity that helps us to remember our intentions, maybe a body practice like yoga or qigong (even if only a few minutes) or perhaps meditation or sitting quietly. During the day we can build moments of remembering into the day, for example, pausing when getting in and out of the car, breathing when at a stoplight, smiling when we have to use a password, etc. Developing these daily habits is important because it increases the probability that we will remember to bring mindfulness to bear when something unpleasant or stressful arises.
We don't always remember to be mindful when we are stressed. Here is a short story of remembering but not having the capacity. A few weeks ago, I bit the bullet and sat down to do our taxes. It quickly turned into a nightmare. Taxes since my dissection have been problematic, because my low energy has resulted in poor record keeping. I couldn't find two 1099s and a couple other receipts. I also realized that I had missed a quarterly IRS tax payment which will result in a penalty. After 4 hours, I was done and I was fried. During the 4 hours, I had maintained enough mindfulness so that I wasn't snotty and short with my wife and I hadn't yelled or slammed my fist down. However, I was drained. I chose to get a bowl of chips and salsa and turn on the TV and watch sports which I did for a couple hours.
If I had it to do over, I would have practiced mindfulness, alternating between awareness of breath/body and standing behind the waterfall as a way to deal with the many thoughts and emotions that were literally coursing through my mind, heart, and body. That would have saved me several hundred calories and would have better washed the stress chemicals out of my system. I could have berated myself: "who the hell do you think you are to teach mindfulness; you should be embarrassed that you didn't practice what you preach." And those thoughts did come to mind. Instead, I congratulated myself that I didn't have a tantrum and I didn't take it out on my wife, and then I moved on. I was able to feel my feelings to a degree and I was able (mostly) to accept all my parts that were at play during and after these four hours.
The challenge for each of us is to construct our life so that we can actualize the wisdom from this tradition and other wisdom we have developed over our lifetime. As Mary Oliver ended one poem: "Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"
The other quote/poem I find helpful is from Mark Nepo:
When courageous enough to relax our soul open,
the pace at which our mind thinks slows to the pace at which our heart feels, and, amazingly,
together they unfold the rhythm with which our eyes can see the miracle waiting in all that is ordinary.