Last Thursday I had a CT scan almost 6 months after my June surgery. My surgeon told me that there are no places in my aorta that concern him at present and that I can go another 6-months before my next scan. Whew!
In August, the surgeon had told me that the CT scan showed that there was still unwanted blood flow in the aorta and that as long as this was the case, there would be need for continued monitoring. The surgeon had also told me that the aorta often heals on its own but sometimes a third operation. When I asked for details, he told us that there were two options and both were pretty delicate and with substantially more risks that the first two surgeries.
Anxiety and fear
Beginning in June, when I got the news that I would need a second surgery, I began welcoming all the internal voices. i realized that I had been gently suppressing some of them since last November—including Why me? I hate this, This is not fair, and I'm tired of this—because I felt they didn’t do any good for me. One of my meditation teachers has summarized the practice in this way: pay attention, meet what arises, include it all. A basic principle of Internal Family Systems (IFS) is that all parts are welcome. You can find blogs where I have discussed IFS by using the Search tool at the top of the blog page. In Buddhism and IFS the intention is not to get rid of these parts but to change my relationship to them. As one teacher stated, " I used to think I needed to clean up my act. Now I realize I need to get to know my act."
I had written in two recent journal entries that I was aware of increased anxiety and fear about this CT scan, and I could feel my anxiety and fear increasing appreciably as the CT scan got closer.
Changing my relationship to unwanted parts from aversion to inclusion
I have a variety of strategies to be with unwanted voices/parts. Here are six primary strategies:
• I first acknowledge the part using Thich Nhat Hanh's phrase, "hello dear friend, I see that you are suffering, come sit with me."
• If a part persists, I will often focus on my breathing, allowing myself to be aware of the parts and breathing naturally for a few seconds or minutes, generally until my breath becomes calmer.
• In some cases, I focus on my body, checking in with places in my body that might be reflecting the anxiety or fear: the shoulders, the jaw muscles, the pit of the stomach, etc.
• If the part is pretty loud, I might "take a step back" and just let the voices howl; I move into a witnessing mode, listening to the voices.
• Sometimes I will ask the part questions like What are you wanting to tell me? or What am I not hearing that you think I need to hear? I know that i have to listen to this part, to understand what is keeping this part from letting go.
• Occasionally I will say "Stop" to the part. Sometimes a part may be tired of the repeated narrative, (e.g., I hate this) but it doesn't know how to stop. If the part stops or at least subsides, then the part is probably tired of the narrative too. However, if it doesn't stop, then I let go of this strategy.
During the 75 minute ride to the hospital, I was aware that the fears and anxieties were increasing. By the time I got into the hospital I was in pretty much full anxiety/fear mode, but still short of a panic attack. During the CT scan I was fine and when I got back to the car where I sat with Yvette until it was time to meet the doctor, I was more stable. Of course, once the doctor said I was doing fine, those voices pretty much subsided. Fortunately, they have a lot of trust in the surgeon!
I am finding that the goal is not get rid of the unwanted parts but to understand them and to help them let go. As Thich Nhat Hanh has emphasized, when we try to get rid of those parts we don’t like, we are at war with our selves. This practice of mindfulness and meditation is much more of a receptive and listening awareness, “getting to know my act better.”
Who am I now?
Now that I have been given a relatively clean bill of health, I am aware of two new groups of voices. One group says "OK let's get back to your pre-dissection life. The other group asks questions like: Who am I now? and What do I want to do with my new life?
I'm just in the beginning of exploring this next chapter in my life. I realize that this is a time to continue to practice patience, realizing that this past 13 months has been an ordeal and had many traumatic moments. It's not so much figuring things out but rather listening to those voices and parts that are often wiser than my conscious self.