Choice
I have written before that one of the benefits of mindfulness practice is that it enables us to be more aware of the space between stimulus and response. During this period, between my aortic dissection on November 3 and the surgery to repair the aorta on January 14, I am required to go very slowly and to do very little. Suddenly, I am aware not only of more space between stimulus and response but also seeing more choices and their consequences much more clearly than before. Consequently, those choices are less often guided by "I should" and "doing what is right" but rather by seeing and feeling the wisdom of the choices that I am making.
Slowing down
I read a powerful passage from the book Epiphanies by a person who was also forced to go slowly for months: "When I actually slowed down, and sat, and stared at the wall, my resources to deal with the challenges in my life were even bigger and more beautiful than I had ever dared to imagine. They were just waiting for me to be still and recognize them." So true!
Cultivating intentions
I am also realizing that being more aware of choices also requires intention. This includes the intention (reminder) each day to notice and take in what is beautiful in the world. It is important to note that I also I want to see the "whole sky" not just the beautiful. This metaphor is explored in two books that I love: A Bigger Sky and Half the Sky: Turning Oppression into Opportunity for Women Worldwide. So I also read the news each day and donate money to various organizations. Before my dissection I devoted many hours each week to various causes.
Developing wisdom and compassion
This notion of intention and beauty connects to another aspect of mindfulness. Various meditation teachers have said that this path is about wisdom and compassion, that they are like the two wings of a bird which is incomplete without both. I have written elsewhere that I believe this second wing involves a whole family of practices which are important to cultivate: compassion, kindness, love, gratitude, generosity, wonder, and forgiveness.
When I bring these intentions to awareness each day, I live in a space where gratitude is a frequent visitor, where I notice and feel deeply more acts of kindness, and I take in the beauty of the world. I am lucky to live less than 200 yards from the path along the Ashuelot River that I walk on each day--walking slowly is like seeing new paintings by gifted artists each day.
Toxic energies
Angeles Arrien wrote about four universal addictions, one of which is the addiction to being focused on what's not working rather than what is working. I have been aware my whole life of hundreds of moments of anger, irritation, resentment, etc. each day about what is not working--in my life, in my job, in my family, and so on. I have worked hard to recognize and address these toxic energies.
I recall S N Goenka talking about this dynamic in the story of being insulted by someone and stewing about it--thinking "he abused me so"--for hours, days or longer. Goenka ended the story saying that this person said something mean once and then we repeat it hundreds of times!
I remember Pema Chodron saying that when we can deeply feel the consequences of these afflictive emotions (not just in our heads, but in our hearts and in our bodies), we can we drop that energy just like we would drop a hot pan that we accidentally picked up on the stove.
I remember Andy Olendski saying that it takes so much energy to keep fueling these emotions (e.g., "he abused me so"). I can also hear Ajahn Sucitto's dharma talk about how we play that tape over and over ("he abused me so") and how that energy becomes part of who we are, part of our karma.
I have told these stories to friends and students many times. And now, with going slowly and doing very little, and cultivating gratitude and wonder each day, I can more often and deeply feel the burning of such energies in my heart, body, and mind. Suddenly I just drop that that hot pan, and that toxic energy just dissolves. Sometimes that energy returns within minutes and I have to recognize and acknowledge its return. But its return doesn't mean I have failed, it simply means that it needs more attention.
Interconnectedness
The last part I want to write about today is the interconnectedness of all life, a theme I have addressed often. Many healers have said that one essential component of "health" is having a deep sense of connection (as opposed to separateness, a dis-ease which many people in industrialized societies suffer from). This connectedness can manifest in many ways, for example, connection to one's spirit/soul, connection to other people, connection to nature, and more.
An important part of my healing is the reality of interconnectedness in the natural world. One author said that "the trees, plants, fungi and microbes in forests are so thoroughly connected some scientists describe them as superorganisms" which connects to the Gaia hypothesis that James Lovelock and Lynn Margulis coined in the 1970s.
Thich Nhat Hanh coined the term "interbeing" to remind us that the illusion is that we are separate, and the reality is that we are deeply interconnected. This helps me to remember and feel such gratitude for all the support that I am receiving from so many people during this challenging and yet also wonderful (full of wonder) chapter in my life. I literally feel held and cradled by all that love.